Jokes

3..2..1... go, let's start joking

-What you're gonna get when you'll cross Prozac and Viagra?
-?
-If you're not gonna get fuck then you're not gonna give a fuck...

what do you get when you cross a snake with a porcupine??? barbed wire

pe

Mohamed is calling to Doctor.
-What's your sex?
-Er, four times a week...
-No, I mean male or female?
-Oh yes, male female sometimes camel...

hehehe

ok, what does PONTIAC stand for????

Poor
Old
Nigger
Thought
Its
A
Cadillac



pe

[ Dodano: Wto Lut 12, 2008 21:32 ]
and FORD????

Found
On
Road
Dead



pe

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"

2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"

1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."

2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"

1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

Aaah, these one were bad. But I'll tell you a good joke now. :D

What's the advantage of having Alzheimer's disease and Parkinson's disease at the same time?
You'll forget shaking...

How to give a cat a pill


1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in bacon.

If you have studied Latin, and you are familiar with conjugations, you can easily acquire a knowledge of the German language. At the first lesson, the teacher starts to explain "der, des, dem, den, die...", and so on.

Piece of cake!

To see it clearly, let's have a look at a simple example. First we get hold of a book, a beautiful textile bound one published in Dortmund, that is discussing the habits of the Hottentot (in German: Hottentotten). We can learn that they catch kangaroos (Beutelratten) and they put them in cages (Kotter) that are covered by firm sheets (Lattengitter) to protect them from the changes of weather. Such a cage is called "a cage covered by a sheet" (Lattengitterkotter), and if they put a kangaroo inside, they call it Lattengitterkotterbeutelratten, which is "kangaroo in a cage covered by a sheet".

One day, the Hottentot got hold of a murderer (Attentäter), accusing him with the murder of a mother (Mutter) who was a Hottentot as well (Hottentottenmutter) and whose son was retarded and stutterer (stottertrottel). This mother is called in German Hottentottenstottertrottelmutter, and her murderer is Hottentottenstottertrottelmutterattentäter. So he got caught by the police and they locked him in a kangaroo-cage (Beutelrattenlattengitterkotter), but unfortunately he escaped. When they noticed it, they started searching for him, and soon the one who found him (a Hottentot soldier) rushed in to inform his boss about it:

"I seized the murderer (Attentäter)", he shouted.
"Which one?", his boss asked.
"The Lattengitterkotterbeutelrattenattentäter!", replies the soldier.
"What, the murderer we locked in a kangoroo-cage?"
"Well, hm..." says the soldier with a bit of a pause, "that Hottentotterstottertrottelmutterattentäter."
"Scheisse! Why didn't you just say in the first place that you seized the Hottentotterstottertrottelmutterngitterkotterbeutelrattenattentäter!!"

[ Added: Fri Mar 07, 2008 23:58 ]
Little Rabbit has bought a car. He decides to drive home on the highway, so he can accelerate the speed like a madman.

He does so.

He's accelerating the car on the highway like a madman, but in a while he encounters a road-sign: "Speed Limit 90".

He doesn't want to get caught for speeding so he's reducing the speed to 90.

He's driving further, but in a while he encounters another road-sign: "Speed Limit 60".

He gets angry, but he has to reduce the speed to 60.

He's driving further, but then again he sees another sign: "Speed Limit 30".

He's pissed off now, "I never gonna get home like that!", he says.

But he doesn't want to get caught so he's reducing his speed to 30.

He's driving further, and in a while he sees another road-sign: "Welcome to Speed Limit".

Why did the man fill his waterbed with beer?
He wanted a foam mattress.

Why did the chicken cross the park?
To get to the other slide.

why did the pervert cross the park?

because he got his dick stuck in the chicken

A man goes to the gun shop and asks for a .44 Magnum.
“Whoa, do you actually need such a big gun?", the shopkeeper asks. “What for?”
“To shoot at cans”, the man replies.
“Cans? That'd be quite expensive for that. Here's this 9 mm pistol, that's much cheaper.”
“No, I need the Magnum.”
“To shoot at cans?”
“Yeah, to shoot at cans.”
“But what kind of cans?”
“Hmm... Jamaicans, Mexicans, Africans...”

- Knock... Knock!
- Who's There?!
- Merry!!
- Merry, Who??
- Merry Christmas!!

ARE YOU MUSLIM ENOUGH?
Take this simple test and find out.

1. Do you have more wives then teeth
2. Do you own a £5000 rocket launcher but cant afford shoes.
3. Do refine heroin but have a moral objection to Beer.
4. Do youthink vests come in two styles, bullet-proof and siucide

And most significantly:

5. Do you wipe your arse with your bare hand but consider bacon unclean!..

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them. He gets to a house where the bin hasn’t been left out. He has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can’t see it, so he knocks on the door. There’s no answer, so he knocks again.

Eventually a Japanese bloke answers: “Harro”, he says.

“Alright, mate? Where’s your bin?”, asks the dustman.

“I been on toilet”, replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says, “No, mate, where’s ya dustbin?”

“I just been on toilet, I told you”, says the Japanese man.

“Mate”, says the dustman, “you’re misunderstanding me... Where’s your wheely bin?”

“Okay, okay”, says the Jap, “I really been having a wank.”

there were three nuns sitting on a park bench..two nuns had a stroke..the other couldn't reach!


a lady had two pet monkeys. she was devoted to them, took them everywhere with her, she adored them. so when they sadly died, she was very upset and decided to get them stuffed so she could keep them on display in her front room. so she took them to a taxidermist. a couple of days later she got a call from the taxidermist "do you want them mounted?" the lady replies "no holding hands will do".